


Zura's Strange Addiction

by orphan_account



Series: My Strange Addiction- The Series [4]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M, Nonsense, Strange Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28442415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "This fine day I am here to let everyone know about my one and only true passion."
Relationships: Elizabeth & Katsura Kotarou, Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki, Katsura Kotarou/Takasugi Shinsuke, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: My Strange Addiction- The Series [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022454
Kudos: 15





	Zura's Strange Addiction

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of Zura's addiction I posted last year, I had to worksop it a bit (quite a lot), sorry for subjecting you guys to that horror before (...not like this mess is any better, but, eh).

_This program depicts addictive behaviors that are dangerous and risky in nature_

_Viewer discretion is advised._

  
  
  


* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Katsura Kotaro and this fine day I am here to let everyone know about my one and only true passion. Elizabeth."

* * *

_The guests’ addictions hit the skids with each new episode; and with this introduction we are starting the new one._

_Thus, let us meet today’s guest, a young man with his feet on the ground but his head high up in the clouds, far too up, and too far for sagacious thinking._

* * *

_Kotaro Katsura, nicknames: Zura, Zurako, Katsurapyo and Zurabeth._

_(…the last one is Kotaro's own creation, because he says that when one day he and Elizabeth will undoubtedly end up in Hollywood, of course, they will obviously need a ‘couple name’.)_

* * *

_Kotaro_

"Elizabeth is… how can I even put this into words? She has been my faithful companion in the good and bad weather, through thick and thin, in rain or shine, through rough and smooth, through hell and high waters, through-”

* * *

_3 Hours Later_

“-and that is what Elizabeth means to me… wait, did you get it all on tape or do I need to repeat myself?”

* * *

_There is a general groaning chorus that rises throughout the room as Kotaro decides to repeat everything once more._

* * *

_Gintoki Sakata, best friend of Kotaro_

“I want you all to know, and for the love of everything sugary put this on the damn record, that one is just as bad as the other. That excuse of a ‘pet’ and Zura, they’re both airheads of the worst kind… and somehow they have found each other. Their level of stupidity frightens me sometimes. Most of the time. Just all the time."

* * *

_Shinsuke Takasugi, Kotaro's other half; aka The Love Of His Life_

"Kotaro is perfection. To whoever says ‘perfection doesn’t exist’, you know what I do? I show them a picture of Kotaro. Yeah, peel your eyes, that right there is the true form of _perfection.”_

_“You also drown them in yakult.”_

“Shut up Gintoki, no one asked for your input. And why the hell are you so fixated on interrupting everybody’s interview?”

_“I can do whatever I want!”_

“…Whatever. The point is, Kotaro deserves everything and I will give him whatever he wants. And get rid of whoever stands in the way.”

_“Freak.”_

“You know what, there is a bath full of yakult with your name on it-”

_“Uh oh, I think I forgot the oven inside the chicken, see ya!”_

“Yeah, that’s what I thought… little bitch.”

* * *

_Gintoki, again_

"Pfff! Okay, alright, imagine this right here. Just _imagine_ having a crazy boyfriend who has a very _strange_ addiction and he asks for the weirdest things and you enable it by giving him everything he wants just because you think he's cute. Hah! I can't relat-… oh _shit._ Wait-"

* * *

_Gintoki is suddenly hit with the realization that he, in fact, can relate._

* * *

_Meanwhile Kotaro continues talking about his addiction that he only sees as his true 'passion'._

"Elizabeth looks so cute with a tutu on. I think she would be a great ballerina. Or an actress. Or a singer. Or a-"

* * *

_[We had to cut two extra hours of footage]_

* * *

"-and that is what I think of Elizabeth’s many and endless talents…. but if you didn't get everything on camera I can repeat it a second time. Alright, as I was saying, Elizabeth looks the most adorable when-"

* * *

_[...This has been the longest interview yet.]_

* * *

_Meanwhile, Elizabeth, lost in his own world as he dances and ‘sings’ to his ‘anthem song’…_

**_‘Once upon a time not long ago I was a h*e, and I’m admitting it, I won’t take it back ‘cause I did the sh*t-’_ **

[Yamazaki halts at the sight before him, not expecting to be subjected to this spectacle when accidentally opening one of the doors to the studio. An embarrassing stare off takes place]

“...”

****

**_‘...’_ **

“...”

****

**_‘...’_ **

“...”

****

**_‘...’_ **

“...”

****

**_‘...’_ **

“...”

****

**_‘...’_ **

“...”

****

**_‘-I was a h*e and I’m admitting it, more money, I want your money, more money-’_ **

_[and Elizabeth keeps going like nothing happened]_

_[Yamazaki slowly backs away, quietly and quickly closing the door after himself, scared]_

* * *

_Gintoki_

"Zura’s spiralling out of control. Now ask yourselves _this,_ do we really wanna let a lunatic with a nutjob for a brain keep going?"

_"Yes, we do."_

"Shut up Zura! No one asked you!"

  
  


* * *

_But let’s officially finally meet the real star of the show itself, Elizabeth._

* * *

[All of a sudden the lights go out, a single spotlight shines at the center of the stage, and a rather peculiar creature comes sashaying in, as if owning the place. Loud music is booming through the speakers.]

**_“You wanna be on top?”_ **

_“This isn’t America’s next top model and you’re not Tyra Banks! Get the fuck outta here!”_

* * *

[Elizabeth doesn’t seem to have any enemies… but he might have a rivalry with Gintoki… a ridiculous one.]

* * *

_convo between Kotaro & Gintoki_

“Why are you always spewing out your judgement?”

"Excuse me? What do you mean, I'm a great judge of character!"

"No. You're just judgemental, period."

* * *

_Nishiki Ikumatsu, one of Kotaro's dear friends_

"I would ask why I’m here, but I feel it's better not to... considering who is involved. I don't have much to say, except how sometimes Katsura will come at the shop with his…. 'pet' in tow. And let me tell you, that thing doesn't eat… but it _inhales_ food. It’s creepy and scares my customers. Sometimes it comes alone, but never pays and always leaves the bill for Katsura. Reminds me of someone else I know."

* * *

_Gintoki_

" _A-Achoo!_ …Hmm, I feel like someone was just talking about me. Must be all my insatiable fangirls out there and all their absolutely truthful compliments.”

* * *

The program feels the need to comment on this one:

_/This man thinks he is such a heartthrob…._ _tch. Madao./_

* * *

"Oi, oi, I read that! You ungrateful assholes! Without me you wouldn't even have this pathetic excuse of a program-!"

[But Gintoki’s indignation at the creators of the show goes unnoticed.] 

[And Elizabeth feels the need to add to the commentary.]

****

**_‘Top 10 Anime Betrayals.’_ **

"No one asked for your opinion you oversized walmart version of a penguin!"

****

**_'Salty much?'_ **

"Excuse _you!?"_

****

**_‘You're excused outta my life. Bitch.'_ **

[someone has been spending time with Shinsuke… which is, not exactly great news?]

  
  
  


* * *

_Gintoki_

"I feel like that giant baby alien duck is literally the embodiment of a _'mean girl'._ How is no one else seeing this?”

* * *

  
  


[Elizabeth raises his sign, dabbing at his eyes and loudly blowing his nose]: **_‘I have no idea what he is talking about.’_**

* * *

_[Cut to a couple minutes prior where Elizabeth is putting drops in his eyes_ _to achieve the effect of realistic crying]_

* * *

**_‘I have no idea why that madao keeps antagonizing me. I’m a little angel.’_ **

* * *

_We interrupt the program for an undetermined amount of time because an unannounced guest makes a sudden appearance._

_Matako Kijima, a *** and a ****** and also a *******, in Kotaro's own words_

"Finally! I am free! That fucking psycho poisoned me! And then he locked me inside the hospital room so I couldn't escape! I'm telling you he wants _my_ Shinsuke all to himself and he is trying to get rid of me! He will-"

* * *

_Kotaro_

"I have no idea what she is talking about. Oh, I suddenly have the need to tell everyone something. I won't name names, but there is a very dangerous and horrible individual out there that needs to be stopped. She is blonde, dresses mostly in pink, which in my humble opinion is very unflattering for her skin tone, and she lives in XXXXXX. If you would like to pay her a visit and leave a small gift, please do so."

* * *

_Shinsuke_

"Kotaro is cute when he gets so jealous- so much so he tries to incinerate my co-workers with a glare and end their life in any possible way, shape or form. I think he is _adorable."_

* * *

_Tatsuma Sakamoto, one of Kotaro's best friends (maybe)_

"Ahahah Zura's jealousy knows no limits! And I think it's so cute how Suki finds it adorable!"

* * *

_Gintoki & Elizabeth_

“One is in denial and delusional beyond reach. The other has a God complex out of this world. What kinda ridiculous couple is this one?”

****

**_'Still a better love story than twilight.'_ **

[Gintoki shrugs]: “Eh, where’s the lie though?”

* * *

_Gintoki, of course, felt the absolute need to give… even **more** of his input._

* * *

“You know that movie about Ted Bundy? Yeah, I’m sensing those kinda vibes here. From _both_ Tsugi and Zura. Thinking about it they’re a match made in heaven… or, actually, in hell. Yeah. Please send help.”

* * *

_Zura & Gintoki_

“I see your delusions of grandeur continue.”

"Zura, how dare you?!"

[But Elizabeth makes a sudden entrance]

**_‘And now back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press. Gintoki, what’s good?’_ **

“We’re not at the AMAs! Drop this act already! And stop thinking of yourself as a celebrity, no one even knows your real name!”

* * *

_But how does Kotaro really feel about Elizabeth?_

* * *

_Kotaro_

"I have already said this and I will keep doing so for the rest of my life, Elizabeth is the best thing that will ever happen to this world. I feel sadness in my heart knowing there are people out there still not aware of this magnificent being. That is why, of course, when I am going somewhere, anywhere, I have to make sure everyone will remember Elizabeth's name."

* * *

_Toshiro Hijikata, boyfriend of one of Kotaro's best friends and has no apparent relation to Kotaro whatsoever_

"Why am I here?…No, seriously, I don't really know him…. so what am I doing here?"

* * *

_We asked Toshiro if there is an occasion in particular he remembers in which Kotaro's addiction was involved._

* * *

"…now that I think about it… I don't know why, but last week we were all in the same place at the same time, stuck in traffic. And Katsura climbed on top of a car with a megaphone and started telling everyone random facts about that… thing. For example how 'Elizabeth is going to start ballet in the spring and everyone should come and see her first performance since the ticket will be 50% off'. Some people were pissed off and started throwing tomatoes at him, Takasugi was throwing rotten eggs back at them, Sakamoto choked on his laughter, a random dude was asking when was dinner going to be ready, someone was peeing in the bushes, and Gintoki was eating popcorn and shushing me as if he was watching a movie. It was a mess. …I still have no idea where Gintoki found the popcorn."

* * *

_Tatsuma_

"Ahahah, Zura is so extra sometimes and that's exactly why everyone loves him! He did end up getting arrested for that, though. And he tried to bribe the police with cute pictures of Elizabeth… a few officers ended up buying the whole album, ahah!"

* * *

_What are your real concerns about Kotaro's addiction?_

* * *

_Gintoki_

"You know guys, I feel like we've become friends after so many interviews, we’ve established a connection. I mean, people obviously come here for me and my wonderful opinions, no one cares about these suckers anyway. I'm the star of the show. And everyone knows that you buy things to stars, soooo… who's buying me a milkshake? C'mon, I've gone like… two hours without sugar. I'm literally dying of withdrawals right now."

* * *

_Shinsuke_

"No one is going to stop my partner. Or yakult. And just to make things clear, yakult did _not_ become famous because of that movie. Yakult has always been the Holy Grail of life. So fuck you Peter-whatever-your-name-is, you did not discover yakult first and you don't have the rights over it, alright?!"

* * *

_Apparently Shinsuke still has some issues of his own._

_So does Gintoki._

* * *

_Tatsuma_

"If I went to Elizabeth's performance, do you think Zura would give me a discount?"

* * *

_Kotaro_

"I think, one day, Elizabeth… yes, Elizabeth might even save this rotten world."

* * *

_Gintoki, shaking his head slowly and with judgement._

"...”

  
  


* * *

[Here's a couple more bits about Gintoki and Elizabeth’s rivalry]

**_'I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders.'_ **

_[Proceeds to take literal weights off of his shoulders]_

"You don't need to be that literal!"

_[Elizabeth smashes his sign across Gintoki’s face and he is thrown out of the room from the force]_

**_'…May the force be with you.'_ **

"Stop it with the pop culture references already, you walking poster of a freak show!"

* * *

[Elizabeth is also known for his large following in social media, where he sometimes posts ‘funny and cute pictures’, in his own words, of himself, and lets the public get to know a more playful side of him]

_Elizabeth just posted a picture of himself wearing a cowboy hat and staring (intensely, almost creepily) at the camera._

_Of course Gintoki is the first to comment._

_Of course Elizabeth responds._

****

_{_ _haha, are you a cowboy or a QUACKboy hahaha!!!}_

**_{_ ** **_‘Can’t I have a SINGLE hobby without your shit fucking opinion Linda.’}_ **

****

[...someone has definitely been spending time with Shinsuke…]

* * *

_In the end, no one apparently cares enough about Kotaro's addiction to really do anything about it._

_Oh, well._

* * *

_Even after the program Kotaro still does not think he has an actual 'addiction.' He bought more than hundreds of costumes for Elizabeth, not to mention he became his full-time Momager._

_Elizabeth has also starred in several short films, such as:_

_ Luxeen: the toilet paper that leaves your bum softer than a baby egg. _

_(which won a few indie awards)_

_And:_

_ Don't be afraid of joy, take care of your hemorrhoids. _

_(which was nominated for a Golden Globe)_

_Critics have said of this film: ‘…Who let this happen?’_

_And now, since- in Kotaro's own words- 'the universe in its entirety needs to know about her beauty', Elizabeth is currently auditioning for Miss Universe._

_Ikumatsu doesn't really care._

_Toshiro doesn't care either._

_Shinsuke is going to sue everyone who has been seen in the vicinity of yakult, starting with ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ cast._

_Various anonymous senders sent Matako gifts that she later discovered were colonies of ants. Elizabeth ripped to shreds all of her clothes. Kotaro says that 'he doesn't know what Matako is talking about.'_

_We think he does._

_Tatsuma went to Elizabeth's ballet. He paid the full price._

_Gintoki is later found lying on the floor with another imprint of a sign on his face._

_Elizabeth feigns innocence._

  
  
  


_But what is truly Elizabeth’s deal? Does Elizabeth's master plan involve conquering and ruling the Earth, possibly the Universe, or will he settle for a peaceful life lived in complacency instead?_

_Find out in the next episode of: The Strange Addiction- The Series_

[Actually, no, just kidding, we don’t have the answers to these questions because we don't have the funds to further support this garbage fire trainwreck of a show.]

**Author's Note:**

> Tatsuma's addiction is next. Plus an Extra.  
> Then we're really done with this garbage fire trainwreck series yay!


End file.
